On being a vicar.

I think in many ways being a Vicar is completely different to what I expected it would be like.  I knew that it would be hard work – but it’s harder, more demanding, tiring and at times rewarding than I could have imagined.  I think the expectation to just be there and agree with everyone is a little daunting – especially as it’s certainly not what I believe a Vicar should be doing! I also wish that both I and others could be more patient with each other- in a multitude of ways.  I am the first to admit I’m not always patient but being on the other end of impatience is teaching me an awful lot!

I can’t really blog about the many and varied things I am doing – the majority are a priviledge and personal to the people I work with.  I do however get very fed up with the rota’s, publicity, endless paperwork, grumbles, building faults, grounds issues, grumbles…

Back at theological college we were warned to save thank you cards.  During my curacy I recieved so many that I thought it was a bit odd to keep them all- but I did.  Boy am I glad.  It’s a rare, rare occurance as a Vicar that I recieve a thank you, an affirmation or really a sign of support.  I did this week- following a wedding.  I have recieved them since becoming a vicar but there are particular individuals that are good at it and really the wider church and community relate to me as if it’s their ‘right’ to have a vicar- and not any vicar but a vicar that will do what they want.  That’s not neccessarily right or wrong in some cases but it’s not neccessarily right or wrong in others . It does mean that my sense of how things are going is very vague.  When you have a down and difficult patch this magnifies the grey matter and it’s hard to remember the important things like that fact that there is something you were called to this place to do.

I am finding it very hard to figure out if I am doing the right things, in the right places and it is increasingly cloudier to comprhend what my vocation is in this place and then there is my wider life and vocation- friend, daughter, sister, mother, wife.  To be honest there is never a balance and at different times I feel I fail different people.

This last while has been very hard emotionally and mentally- things are picking up after the summer sleep (that season that is really quite slow and depressing!) but there’s a whole new consort of issues coming out of the woodwork.  If I blog odd things that’s why!

I will perhaps be trying to start a few conversations about issues we need to work through in this place- Children and Communion and the like.

I do appreciate those who read and occassionally comment here- I find it stimulating and encouraging.  Excuse me if blogging gets erratic – I’ll try and find a groove that works alongside being a vicar without just blogging the sermons!

Holy week this year….

I dare not show you a picture of the real thing- it’s even more frightenning. Next year I hope to be a bit more on top of what I need to do…and of course have delegated a few more things to people I have my (or maybe God has his?) eye on!!

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

The way God works though me…or so it seems!

This is a reminder to me for everytime I feel down and everytime I move to a new post! It’s something my husband has observed with me since I met him.  hmmm.  It almost seems unhealthy but it seems true.

The way God works with me is….

that he throws me in the deep end…….

I get the sh*t kicked out of me…

but….

somehow….

I come out the other end still sane…..

having done a lot of good to all the people around me…….

having grown massively through the whole experience…………

SO…………..

he can throw me into somewhere even deeper next time!

On further reflection Mark says God puts me in situations in which I have something to fight for, as it’s when I am most passionate.  He doesn’t let me pick the fights though- he throws me in the midst of ones that I really don’t want to have.

He’s on a role… so adding a bit more.  He’s Jealous.  Cos people really love me..and he said LOVE me (it doesn’t work like that for him).  Because they know I fight for them , not for me but for them.  I often think about stepping out of parish ministry but today Mark reminded me that this is what I am called to.  Even if it is sometimes like doing 10 rounds in a boxing ring.

This is the song he thought of whilst giving me my little talking to! Ha!  He knows how songs work for me…one day I’ll eductae him into knowing more than pop songs…the odd bit of Bach wouldn’t go amiss!  Not all the words on this work for me but I do like the song and it’s a good determined anthem for the mood of where I have been these past few weeks.

Fighter by Christina Aguilera.

After all you put me through You’d think I’d despise you But in the end I want to thank you Because you made me that much stronger When I, thought I knew you Thinking, that you were true I guess I, I couldn’t trust ‘Cause your bluff time is up ‘Cause I’ve had enough You were, there by my side Always, down for the ride But your, joy ride just came down in flames ‘Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmmAfter all of the stealing and cheating You probably think that I hold resentment for you But, uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong ‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through So I wanna say thank you ‘Cause it makes me that much stronger Makes me work a little bit harder It makes me that much wiser So thanks for making me a fighter Made me learn a little bit faster Made my skin a little bit thicker Makes me that much smarter So thanks for making me a fighter Oh, ohh Never, saw it coming All of, your backstabbing Just so, you could cash in On a good thing before I realized your game I heard, you’re going around Playing, the victim now But don’t, even begin Feeling I’m the one to blame ‘Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh After all of the fights and the lies Yes you wanted to harm me but that won’t work anymore Uh, no more, oh no, it’s over ‘Cause if it wasn’t for all of your torture I wouldn’t know how to be this way now, and never back down So I wanna say thank you ‘Cause it makes me that much stronger Makes me work a little bit harder Makes me that much wiser So thanks for making me a fighter Made me learn a little bit faster Made my skin a little bit thicker It makes me that much smarter So thanks for making me a fighter How could this man I thought I knew Turn out to be unjust so cruel Could only see the good in you Pretended not to see the truth You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself Through living in denial But in the end you’ll see YOU-WON’T-STOP-ME I am a fighter and I I ain’t gonna stop There is no turning back I’ve had enough ‘Cause it makes me that much stronger Makes me work a little bit harder Makes me that much wiser So thanks for making me a fighter Made me learn a little bit faster Made my skin a little bit thicker It makes me that much smarter So thanks for making me a fighter Thought I would forget, Though I, I remember, I remember, I remember ‘Cause it makes me that much stronger Makes me work a little bit harder Makes me that much wiser So thanks for making me a fighter Made me learn a little bit faster Made my skin a little bit thicker It makes me that much smarter So thanks for making me a fighter

Ash Wednesday in images

Here is my day in images used from Flickr (with creative commons).  Each photograph links back to it’s original and the source over at Flickr.  I may add more as I go along.

I may even try and take some.

By Teresia

by _SID_

by YTK23

Tweeting Jesus

The Telegraph

What an interesting and inspiring idea!  It seems to me, more and more, that the notice-boards of the church are to be found amongst random browsing on the web- and sites such as facebook and twitter do provide the browsing public.  I agree with the author that the church has perhaps yet to go far enough as to present Jesus on the web.  It’s an interesting thought.  How do we present Jesus in web format? How do we find that authenticity and integrity for the gospel in this new medium?  It certainly brings many challenges.  I for one may not tweet as Jesus (although I would be tempted to tweet as one of the other figures in Holy Week- such as Mary).  Although I use twitter, I’ve not yet got the hang of it.  Partly because my mobile network operator isn’t as compatible as I’d like!  However- I am seriously thinking about a series of blog postings – narrative style. hmm maybe?

oh and…. cartoon

oh and the c_o_e is using twitter for Lent.

Looking forward, looking back.

Is it a clever ploy or did a certain group of people just make a mistake?  Did they in their own fight to protect themselves in a kind of exclusive way, building up barriers and walls of protection, did they in doing this acually do themselves more harm?

I’ve read comment after comment from ‘catholics’ on Thinking Anglicans and on Ruth Gledhill’s blog and tried to understand the position they are coming from.  I simply find myself back at the same old questions and problems created by their views.  Particular biblical issues being upheld over clear gospel values.  Particular traditions and practices (especially of the Roman Catholic kind) being upheld over Anglican values and Biblical/Gospel values.  An incoherence of theology and ecclesiology.  I would love to chat with a fellow priest who struggles and just hash out these things (alas woe the person I thought I’d like to get to know has suffered a terrible personal tragedy so for now I shall offer prayer from a distance).  I truly want to understand what it is that is so awful about women’s ordination that this issue has to be the one that divides.  I want to understand why there can’t be a usual anglican sense of difference and variety.  Have not catholic anglicans practised in ministry and worship they way they wish?  Have they not been able to find support from others who are like them?  (not wanting to gripe but you try finding support from others like you as a 31 year old catholic anglican woman!)  Has it not been the case that for over 10 years those who have needed to ‘avoid’ women’s ministry have actually managed to?

I am beginning to wonder why synod and the house of bishops is perhaps being less forthcoming with legislation that meets the requests this time.  A local priest suggested to me that perhaps it was about the re-organisation of the House of Lords.  Surely we cannot as a church that legally discriminates against women in 2009 argue that we are a relevant and informed part of society so as to keep Bishops in the house?  I am not so sure that is the big push.  Though I am sure it contributes to the pressures that Rowan Williams and the house of Bishops are facing.  I do not think it is about the campaigning and writing of letters going on from the WATCH camp either.  Seriously I am not sure that their actions are really doing the public face of ordained women all that much good.  I am a little wary of some of the tactics being used although I recognise the need felt to use them, given that having no women in the house of bishops conversations does mean that somehow we need to be heard!  I do however wonder this:

Back in 1995 when the Act of Synod came into being that minority of the church that was opposed accepted something that they felt would protect them, nurture them and yes I even believe they felt that this nurturing and protecting was believed to be what would keep them going until the church realised that it was wrong.  However the exclusive conclave that they have created, although guarded and nurtured by Bishops, is done so by irregular bishops.  Whether we like it or not these bishops are not normal bishops, they are perhaps even perceived as second class bishops.  They do not have the weight of diocesan bishops, they are heavily outnumbered by suffragan and area bishops.  I think that their voices must be pretty small in the house of bishops (Though I think Geoffrey Rowell the Bishop of Gibraltar is quite good at being heard!).  I can see how this leaves the opposed in a much less powerful position.  I think some foresaw this (though without trawling through all my copies of synod in 1995 and 1998 I can’t remember who) and I think that is partly the reason why some anglican catholics feel the only future is with a 3rd province (though in my mind creating this kind of structural conclave may just make the irregularity worse for the rest of the Church of England).  How awful it must be for ++Rowan and John to know that the Church created a situation (I believe it was not a ploy) that has left some of it’s members in a very vulnerable position.  So I wonder if this is part of why the proposals are not what the ‘catholics’ (and a few of the other extremists) would want.

It must seem crazy to be reading quite a sympathetic blog written by an ordained woman.  I think maybe I am a little crazy.  I’m an anglican and I find myself in the position of wondering what I will do if the church to which I have been ordained consecrates women as Bishops but makes them, just like the flying bishops, yet another form of irregular bishop.  Let’s be honest – there will not be many women, they’ll be irregular for a while just a bit of a novelty and they will probably have far more parishes ‘opt out’ and use a complimentary Bishop than any male bishop does.  What will this kind of Bishop mean for me?  Would it be different if we waited?  Do we have to just say that, as women we have far more to endure before we experience equality and acceptance?

It seems to be the best thing for both those opposed and for women would be to accept normal bishops, yes maybe if we have a woman or someone that ordains them we can ask him or her to help us find a bishop to do particular things.  If it means relating to them as a level of management (in a secular sense I can’t see how even evangelicals would have issue with that) then that is the compromise.  I don’t know.

What is most upsetting to me is this- we are fighting with one another and sometimes both sides are playing dirty.  Each sees the other as such a threat that they are demonised and neither can ever be seen to be being gracious, loving, forgiving or Christian.   There are no winners here.  No-ones hurt is greater than anothers (if you think women will not leave you are wrong!).  The pain is shared- opposite sides of the same coin.  We have failed each other in love and in listening and we have failed God for he is love and there is no love in all this.

A Bible Sunday Blessing

I adapted this from another’s words….

 

Love expressed through scripture and in relationship transform you.

Joy in learning and living uplift you.

Peace to allow misunderstandings of faith and friendship the time required be within you.

And the Blessing of God Almighty, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit be with you this day and always. Amen.

Just me

It’s been two weeks, almost three since I began on this new journey as a parish priest.  There have been frustrations, moments of laughter and moments of great sadness.  4 Funerals, a wedding blessing and 2 baptisms, several cups of tea, less meetings than I expected, a fraternal with some very funny collegues. There has also been a new format notice sheet, new baptism policy (tbc), rotas and hymns up to Ash Wednesday alongside 4 services and sermons.  My office is a mess and I don’t feel on top of organisational stuff either for home or work just yet but other than that I feel hugely lucky to be where I am.  I am enjoying ministry a lot- more than I thought I would!

Today we celebrated a birthday in church (with chocolate cake of course) and I think I made a new friend.  J is a young server in church.  He is eager to learn all about church and ministry and has mentioned something about being a Vicar when he is bigger (he has only just hit double figures though!).  He asks the head server question after question after question (all patiently answered of course) and after my licensing service asked ‘Is she a Bishop?’ , He even asked me directly!  Without confusing details I explained that I was not a Bishop and that I was not sure that being a Bishop was what God wanted me to do anyway. So I’d rather just be the vicar of St John’s.  This morning I hear on the grapevine that I ‘Must be a Bishop because she uses that big thing and only Bishops use that’.  It took some working out, did he mean making the sign of the cross? Did he mean wearing a Chasuble? (Obviously I don’t have a Mitre or a Crozier) Eventually the adults realised that he was refering to the pulpit.  Bishop Jonathan had used the Pulpit at my licensing service.  I (unless it is an informal service) am a Pupit kind of girl/preacher/teacher and so on my first Sunday, last week, I used the pulpit.  It seems that, in J’s memory only Bishop’s use Pulpits!!   I don’t have any ambitions there… in fact I don’t feel I have the vocation to Episcopacy.

I feel like I am in the right place, at the right time and I believe I am the right person to be here. I am finding that opportunity to be who I am before God, a priest, a mum, a wife and friend and ultimately ‘Just me’.

In defense of him

Yes he really is going to stop working.

No really- he is not going to be looking for a job once we move.

Actually he is really looking forward to spending more time with his sons and how an earth could you suggest that having this wonderful opportunity of time with them is beneath him as a man.  It prooves beyond a doubt to me the kind of father and husband he is- not to stoop low but to be willing to accept the greatest challenge and most precious gift of time with his children.  He is doing one of the most important things he may ever do in his life.

Actually I have not worked (for money anyway) for the last 3.5 years…so what are you saying about the role I have taken as a mother? Is it worthless?

He will cope, he has coped, he does cope- yes being a fulltime carer is hardwork but they are his children and he does know what he’s doing- it’s not like he hasn’t done any of the things before!!  He may even be more patient and consistent than I have been.

Actually he is really looking forward to it, feels liberated and yes it was HIS decision.

Why is it that women look on his choice as such a gift and with so many good wishes and hopes for him but fellow men cannot help themselves but try to undermine him?

He is who he is, not perfect, but I love him and we vowed to be equals in life: priests, parents and friends.  Others have put upon us expectations which attempt to deny us this fundamental part of our relationship.  He has been stronger than I at restoring this equality and for this I will defend him at all costs.

Sermon: Matthew 20:21-35

This morning was also a baptism sunday and so a short service and sermon.

We all like being right? No? Yes? But who is right in this morning’s gospel? Both the king and the servant were legally owed money yet they reacted to their debtors (in the first instance) in different ways. Which one of them was right? Which one of them was fair?

Justice isn’t as easy as we think it is.

Let’s think for a minute about being parents, Godparents, adults with responsibilities for other perhaps less mature people. [After all we are about to baptize and welcome Emily into the church and we are all here not only to welcome her but to commit to supporting her parents and her as she grows up.] Parents are the ones with the power, like the king and like the servant our children really do need us in immediate ways. Being a parent is to be in a situation where you have the power because you are in the right and you set the rules. If we act like that’s all there is to it, it’s just about us being in the right and acting fairly within the rules that we have set up then we’re going to fail as parents because there is more to being a parent than being just and fair and right all the time. What we are trying to teach our children is to be more than someone who is right all the time- someone trying to be right all the time might not be very lovable- that goes for parents as well as children. The king was perfectly within his rights to declare the servant bankrupt, throw him into prison, sell his possessions and sell his family into slavery to try and recover his debts. It would have been fair and just for him to have this done but we realize from the servants point of view, what a tragedy that would have been and a pointless tragedy as well, as the man was very unlikely to ever be able to pay back all that he owed. So when the man appeals to him the king decides to be more than just someone who is right and fair and just because being right and fair and just from another point of view would have actually ended up making him someone being unnecessarily cruel. And so he wipes out the mans debt completely, when the servant is faced with the same choice as he meets someone who is in debt to him he doesn’t seem to have learnt anything from the king and simply seeks to get what is rightfully his and it is rightfully his. The first part of the parable helps us to see how cruel and unmerciful insisting on your rights can be but at the end of the day all the man is asking for is that justice be enforced. Nobody can say he is not being fair that he’s not seeking to do the right thing. The law of the land allows him to have the other man thrown into prison. It’s just that we now realize, having seen the example of the king, that being in the right, just trying to act fairly is not always enough. That is the main point of the parable. But if we were to try and phrase it positively rather than negatively what Jesus is saying is something like this- if you want to be a good person trying always to be merciful and always to be patient is a better place to start than trying to be right and fair all the time.  And it’s not a bad place to start in being a parent either.